SMART TALK SMART TALK

Dr. I. M. Sirius

ANXIOUS: At the Center for English as a First Language, we’ve interviewed many prospective patients, such as Senator James Corvid, who exclaimed, “Ah’m so anxious to learn from yew! Ah wont to sound smort.” Obviously, we signed him up immediately.

Instead, Mr. Corvid should have felt anxious about all the hard work ahead, because we found lots of other problems to treat, such as saying “I feel badly.”

First, he had to understand that anxiety feels bad. It’s what he feels from the cognitive dissonance of claiming to believe the teachings he hears from Rev. “Red” Johnson at The Complete and Total Faith Church of the Whole Entire World, while he spends the rest of the week opposing  medical care for the poor. The man does take a lot of Tums.

Of course, he should have said “I’m so eager to learn from you.” He shouldn’t ever say anxious when he means eager, or excited, or some other positive adjective.

Anxious and eager aren’t hard words. We’re constantly surprised at the multitudes who seem to think they’re synonyms.

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