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Lansing's Advice Column

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Dear IMO,

A friend of mine and his 7 year old son came over for dinner last Sunday. He and I have been friends since 2nd grade, and I consider him to be like a brother. He recently separated from his wife and is now in the midst of a divorce. Here is my concern: he is very critical of his son. During our day together, he constantly corrected and spoke down to his son. At one point, the little boy began to cry. My husband and I have two sons, and from time to time, they need some correction, but this was way over the top. I think my friend has a lot of anger and should seek some counseling. How do I approach this without offending him?

Thanks,
Heide

Dear Heide,

It appears that your friend is going through an emotional crisis in his life. Like any crisis, martial disharmony affects everyone involved including children. When two individuals decide they can no longer live as husband and wife, they experience a real sense of loss. Separation and divorce are forms of loss, and any loss results in a real roller coaster ride of emotions ranging from denial, bargaining, shock, and anger, to acceptance, sadness, and depression. These feelings need to be addressed; otherwise, if left unchecked, they could lead to hostility, alcoholism, drug abuse, and/or bodily injury.

Right now, your friend appears to be directing his anger toward his son, and you rightly perceived this action as unhealthy. He is in deep emotional and spiritual pain. With no where else to turn, he is unfairly taking out his anger on his son. If you want to help him but are afraid of jeopardizing your friendship, then you ought to write him a simple note. In the note tell him how much you enjoyed his visit. Validate the feelings and concerns he expressed to you during your conversation, and remind him that you are always there for him if he needs a friend. Finish your letter with a gentile but firm mention that you found him a little tough on his son. Suggest that he mind find a visit or two with a therapist who deals with separation and divorce of some benefit. Perhaps you can suggest some local support group that meets to discuss the needs of those who are recently divorced or separated. If he really values your friendship, then he ought to accept your advice and be grateful for such a caring and loyal friend like you.

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