Archive: Around Town

Healing WellEffective communication is not limited to merely expressing one’s thoughts and feelings to others. In order to become a good communicator one must develop good listening skills as well. Harmony is achieved in a relationship when each party possesses effective communication and listening skills. Very few individuals will tolerate another person who constantly talks and then refuses to listen attentively to what others may say.

Before any discussion occurs, all involved must adhere to certain principles and guidelines that govern all forms of engagement. Good listeners are people who value the opinions of others, even those with whom they may disagree. Being a good listener involves attention to detail, validating feelings and concerns, and allowing for complete expression of one’s thoughts and ideas.

Within the realm of acquiring good listening skills, one must be aware of certain types of behavior that can cause harm in a relationship. Parallel listening is one type of trap to avoid. This type of “listening” fails to truly grasp the feelings and concerns behind what is being said. Some individuals may choose to focus solely on the content of a message and ignore the feelings of the speaker. The speaker feels that he/she is being ignored, that their message is being discounted and judged as less than relevant. Such listening will often discourage a speaker to bring out their true thoughts and feelings. The speaker may feel “bullied” or “forced” into retracting their statement and agreeing with the other person to avoid further rejection.

Another trap to stay clear of is jumping to conclusions or assuming that one person knows what another is trying to express. Often, an individual who is pouring out their heart and soul to someone is cut short by that same someone who believes they know the logical conclusion. Without regard to the emotional state of that person or their need to discuss the topic at hand, the other party interrupts the speaker, provides their own spin on the matter, or decides to take action without reaching some agreement. For example, a married couple begins a discussion about buying a second car. Both husband and wife explain the pros and cons of a certain vehicle. Without any consensus, one of them purchases the vehicle. Clearly, someone will feel ignored and hurt by the unilateral decision to buy the car. This type of listening can be dangerous to a relationship and lead to resentment. If this pattern of behavior is repeated over and over, a real relationship crisis might erupt.

Finally, one might be tempted to focus on matters totally irrelevant to the topic. People may have an attitude of superiority and feel the need to express their particular expertise on any or all subjects. Radio talk show hosts can fall prey to this type of behavior. Such attitudes as who is smarter, more enlightened, or possesses the most common sense offer little benefit to a discussion. In any relationship, each side must be heard and each point of view must be taken seriously and not dismissed as uninformed or below par. Again, this type of behavior leads to alienation, lack of trust and lack of respect. In the end, the relationship continues to dissolve and a crisis looms closer to reality.

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