Dear IMO,

A good friend of mine is married to a real loser.  He treats her terribly and often ignores her needs.  There entire married life, almost ten years, has been centered on him and his needs.  She often confides in me and asks my opinion on the various escapades in her life. Most recently, she asked him if they could discuss the possibility of starting a family.  He ignored her.  He told her he was busy watching his show, and they could discuss the matter later.  I was so irate that I told her to leave him.  As usual, she defended his selfish and self-centered ways saying he would come around one day. 

The other day my friend called me.  She was in tears.  She told me her husband has decided they need some time apart.  She offered that they could attend martial counseling sessions, but he scolded her for such a stupid idea.  He told her not to worry because he had a real plan. Since he has no family in the area, he thought she could move in with her mother for a period of time while he thinks about the future.  I told her that this was a signal for her to get a lawyer, and under no circumstances was she to leave the home.  I think there is another woman or other women in his life.  Do you think I gave her the right advice?

Dear Karen,

The advice you gave to your friend is most wise. I would have told her to hire an entire law firm. It seems to me that he has other motives for some "time apart."  The fact that he, on his own and without discussing this issue with his wife, has asked her to leave makes me suspicious that (a) there is another woman in the picture, (b) he want her to leave so that he can say his wife "voluntarily" left the home or perhaps "abandoned" the marriage, and (c) keep her hanging on to a hopeless situation until he decides on his future.  He is having fun while she suffers emotional and psychological trauma.  In my opinion, he has never loved her; rather she seemed "suitable" at the time and neatly fitted the role of a loyal, loving, co-dependent wife that makes his life complete.

In addition to hiring a divorce lawyer, you should also advise your friend to find a good therapist.  She has spent a decade in an emotionally damaging relationship. She has some very difficult issues to overcome, especially the co-dependency on her emotionally abusive husband and issues of self-esteem.  All you can do is support her offering assistance and encouragement.  But don't be too upset if she does move in with her mother and finds herself in a jam several months down the road.  If this does happen, continue to offer support and encouragement.  Good luck.

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v1i5