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Lansing's Advice Column

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Dear IMO,

About a month ago, our son moved back in with us.  He is 28 years old and in the midst of changing careers.  At first, we thought it was nice to have him back.  We enjoyed sharing our meals with him and had fun watching some television together. But he’s been a bit of a challenge lately.  His simple requests have turned into demands.  For example, he used to ask, very politely, if I would iron his shirts.  Naturally, I agreed.  This week, he had a fit because his favorite shirt was not ironed; I merely took it out of the dryer and hung it up in his closet.  I thought it looked fine, and to tell you the truth, I rarely iron anything these days.  My husband says we should begin to charge him room and board; nothing exorbitant, but some amount that will let him he’s not the prince of the manor.  Do you think that’s a good idea? 

Liz

Dear Liz,

Well, you cried when he left home, and now that he’s back, you’re crying for other reasons.  Taking your son back was a very charitable and gracious act, and I’m sure you thought this kind gesture would be temporary.  Perhaps you should have sat down with him in the beginning and established some basic ground rules.  Since you did not, you must now sit down with him and establish some firm, yet fair, rules governing his stay with you. 

To begin, your husband’s idea of charging room and board is an excellent idea.  A nominal fee for a room with clean sheets, use of the house, an open kitchen and prepared meals is not asking too much.  He needs to know that the going rate for a one bedroom apartment is around $500.  Then you can add in the cost of utilities OUCH!, food, cable, internet, and other amenities like asking politely if Mom wouldn’t mind ironing a shirt once in a while. 

You also need to discuss his time frame for finding another job.  I understand that he is young, and the job market is a bit turbulent, but if he plays his cards right, he could be living with mommy and daddy for a long time-at your expense.  Sit down with him.  Tell him how much you love him, but remind him that he needs to get on with his life, and that this brief stopover is his opportunity to get his ducks back in order.  And don’t forget to remind him rent is due by the 7th of the month.