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Lansing's Advice Column

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Dear IMO,

Our 17 year old daughter has just broken up with her boyfriend. They had been going together for two years and were inseparable to the point of obsession. It seems that she was always with him or trying to find ways to be with him. She often excused herself from family functions and events just to be with him. When we insisted that she be with us or attend some event, she would do so, but spend most of that time on her cell phone or text-message him. Now that they have broken up, she is beside herself and very depressed. Although we are relieved that they are no longer dating, we are worried about her. We were wondering what we can do to help her get through this.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

As Neil Sedaka so eloquently puts it, "Breaking up is hard to do," at any age, but the intense emotions that come with a breakup can be overwhelming for some teenagers. Teen relationships are often very involved. The world they live in is very personal and centered around themselves and other friends. Any disruption in their world, such as the breakup of a relationship, can cause severe emotional, physical, and psychological pain.

For most young people, there is a period of mourning over the loss of a relationship with their special friend. They may exhibit certain behaviors that openly express their feelings of grief and loss, and this is actually very healthy as they are publicly working through one of life's hardest lessons-rejection.

On the extreme end, some teenagers harm themselves when a relationship ends. Their ability to deal with the breakup completely collapses. They may attempt suicide, cut themselves, or find false comfort in drugs and alcohol. In very rare instances, teens undergoing a breakup may feel so depressed that they also harm others.

A breakup is a signal for you to be on alert for signs of trouble. Your daughter's relationship with her boyfriend showed several signs that it had gone too far. She insisted on spending all of her free time with him and avoided being with family or attending events. Secondly, when she was unable to be with him, she was constantly talking with him on her cell phone or text messaging him. All of these red flags indicate you need to set some dating guidelines for your daughter.

Now that the relationship is over, you need to talk with your daughter about it. Set aside some time in an environment that is welcoming and neutral where you can honestly discuss the relationship, her behavior during it, and how to move forward. Be alert to any irregularities in her behavior. You need to make sure she isn't hiding her emotions or behavior. Ask the tough questions about drug and alcohol use. If she is wearing long sleeve shirts, check her wrists and arms to see if she is cutting herself.

As her parents, you need to talk to your daughter and keep an open line of communication about friends of all types, activities, and expectations. You owe it to her to be forthright, loving, and involved parents. In the end, she will respect you for your love and concern.

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