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Lansing's Advice Column

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Dear IMO,

My 81 year old mother recently told all of her children that she intends on marrying her 79 year old friend, Jack. They live in the same Senior Living Center, are both widowed and have been "dating" for two years. At first, I was shocked as were my siblings. Why would two octogenarians want to ruin a great relationship by getting married? Yes, I am a bit cynical about the whole idea, but my family and I do have some real concerns about this marriage. What can they accomplish by marrying that they can't do as friends? We are also worried about their health as well as their legal and financial affairs. Are we being overly cautious?

Sincerely,

Patty

Dear Patty,

Let me get this right. Two adults have become friends. Both of them have been previously married, but they are now widowed. They live in the same building and have been dating for two years. Their relationship has matured to a level that they believe can sustain the commitment of marriage, and intend to do so. There is just one problem-their children do not believe they should enter into wedlock. But what are the reasons? Perhaps there aren't any valid ones.

From what you have shared, they are in love and want to express that love in the most profound manner. It might be they want to take their relationship to a more intimate level and will not become so deeply involved unless they are married. This may sound "old fashioned" to you and others, but for many individuals marriage remains the gateway to real intimacy.

Loneliness is no fun, and by choosing to date and then deciding on marriage seems to be following a logical progression. People like your mother and her friend know the importance of companionship, commitment, and devotion. Their decision to marry may have added benefits as well. Studies have shown that marriage often increases the quality of life in older persons. Older persons, especially widows and widowers, feel more secure in relationships. They feel reassured that they again have someone to look out for them and see to their needs.

You and your family need to listen to your mother, and allow her to live her life. Just because she is in a Senior Living Center does not mean she has lost any of the emotional needs that she had in her younger years. Be happy for them. Let them live life to its fullest. And make sure they celebrate the event in style.

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