Archive: Around Town

Ask IMOAsk IMO

 Lansing's Advice Column


Dear IMO,

My best friend’s wife just died. They have two small children ages 7 and 5. What’s the best way to tell kids that young their mom has died?

Thanks,

Greg

Dear Greg,

There is no easy way to tell anyone that their mom has died regardless of their age. The younger the individual, the more complicated it can be. Small children, in the 5-7 age range, have a limited concept of death. Like all of us, they grieve and feel loss in their lives, but they tend to understand and express themselves very differently from older children and adults.

Small children usually understand death and its implications very literally. For example, adults often try to explain death to children as “going to sleep for a very long time.” In response to this, the children might suggest that they try to “wake her up”, or worse, might be frightened to fall asleep as they too may die as did their mother. In some case, young children refuse to go to bed since they associate the bedroom with death.

Similarly, an adult might try to soften the tragic event by saying, “God needed mommy in heaven,” and point to a star in the night sky indicating mommy’s new home. The children might become angry with God for having taken their mother, or become confused as why their mom would choose to go with God rather than live with them.

With young children, it is always best to be honest and careful to understand the thoughts and feelings associated with their age brackets. In this case, you are dealing with a 5 and 7 year old. You need to sit them down and explain how all living things—plants, animals, and people—are born and eventually, must die. They need explanations and images that assist them in understanding and expression their emotions.

One very good activity book is “Goodbye Forever.” It is a coloring book for children ages 5-7, which uses age appropriate language to explain illness, the dying process, death, the funeral, and the burial. Contact your local Hospice and ask if their bereavement counselor would visit them and offer some counseling. Hospice provides bereavement services to all members of the community.

Listen to their questions, and watch their facial expressions. Do not force them to do anything they cause them distress or discomfort. Being honest and attentive to their needs will ease their pain and give them a good basis by which they can begin their journey through loss and grief.

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