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By Nurse “Gabby” Johnson

GENERAL PUBLIC: My cousin, Fred Johnson, likes to brag. Here in Underbelly, Texas, he operates Friendly Fred’s Football and Firearms Museum. He usually wears an Army football jersey to work.

As the very proud proprietor, he swears that he does a great service to the general public. He preaches that weapons are our best friends and says that nucular weapons should have been used in Iraq. (Of course, he pronounces it “eye-rack.”) He even hands out toy guns as free gifts to the kids.

At the Institute for the Linguistically Impaired, we wonder if football and the military have become the same thing for Fred. And maybe he thinks the general public is the public of the highest rank, a very select group. The public that doesn’t buy his tickets might be the corporal public. And those who don’t think the way he does? Private public.

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