Archive: Opinions

Lansingites were shocked Tuesday when L-Star Publishing officers announced they had shut down all but essential company services.  Company officialswho make up a kind of congress of commerce called the 'Star Chamber' could not agree on whether to extend spending beyond what the company could afford.  On one side officers linked continued operations to a health insurance plan that has become so onerous to the company that it cannot afford to make payroll.  The other side insisted it would not agree to extend spending unless employees were allowed to defer health insurance in favor of actual paychecks.

While company operations largely came to a close, essential purchases such as diet cola for reporters and hard liquor for reporters who cover school board meetings were allowed.  Employees were told not to come to work, creating a tremendous burden because the company is run from a home office.  As a result the shutdown created a cadre of homeless publishers and journalists, who are now huddling in the playhouse at the Myers Park Playground.

Officers and Board of Directors members continued to pay themselves, but day to day employees were out of luck.

"I have been living paycheck to paycheck," said one Lansing Star reporter.  "I don't know what I will do now.  I have children in college.  A school tax bill.  In the past we have always enjoyed food.  Now -- I don't know.  We are being told that writing articles and reporting local events are 'essential services' but receiving a paycheck is not."

Another official said that exponential rises in the cost of health insurance have got to stop.

"As a company we have always made health insurance available and affordable for our employees," she said.  "But that means we can't afford payroll.  That is the major impact of the shutdown: we do not view payroll as essential."

With all of NASA closed except Mission Control (that supports astronauts at the International Space Station), L-Star officials were forced to shut down its space reporting unit.  That has stranded reporter Cosmo G. Spacely in zero-gravity with nothing but a salami sandwich, a cigar and a half glass of iced tea in the ISS press room.

With time on their hands Earth-bound employees are further burdened by the federal shutdown that has closed access to normally affordable recreational activities like visits to national parks.  One says he is rushing to publish an exposé of scandalous, steamy town affairs that he hopes will soon become a lucrative Amazon best seller.

Star Chamber directors continue to meet with company officers to resolve the deadlock, but with the spending deadline past, there is no clear end in sight to the shutdown.

Company officials noted that despite the coincidence that both shutdowns began on Tuesday, the company does not resemble the federal government.  Directors on both sides of the shutdown agree on one point:

"We don't owe billions of dollars," he said.  "In fact, we don't owe one dollar.  The Feds shut down because some elected officials don't want to authorize more spending of money they don't have.  We are not spending money we don't have.  The federal government could learn a lot from small businesses."

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