Archive: Opinions

You and I have been surrounded (inundated, if you wish) by the stories which are being described as 'sexual harassment', although I would describe them in more horrific and destructive terms. It has been weeks since the Harvey Weinstein story broke, and, I'll admit it, I had never heard of the guy until the media was filled with his disgusting antics and the damage he wrought upon numbers of aspiring actresses.

Now the careening pinball of retribution for lewd activities has caromed throughout the media world, the entertainment world, the business world, and no doubt the tech world and big business will be next to feel the cataclysmic shudder of women rising up and pointing their collective finger at the seemingly unending line of perpetrators. Harassment is not nearly the word to describe what has happened to these women (and, perhaps to a lesser extent, men), but words are not necessarily my province this week, but expressions of feelings and thoughts on this topic.

These feelings have been random, almost haphazard, perhaps due to the emotional content of witnessing such pain of so many women, their voices shaking, their stories so frightening, their fears so long unexpressed, and how many of these stories echo what I have heard professionally, privately, secretly in a few cases. So, I recognized I might not be able to tie these feelings into logical progression in this column, but in a series of small 'thought vignettes', of reflection on this issue as these stories continue to evolve and become public, and these tales of woe and pain get to finally walk into the sun light of truth and revelation. Instead of tying together paragraphs to a logical conclusion, I'll be using the infamous '...' (dot dot dot) to introduce and end each thought, as we continue to ponder the extensive and growing line of perpetrators, and the seemingly unending line of victims...

...The one word that continues to haunt me these weeks is 'vulnerability'. Vulnerable, the common denominator with all of these victims. Whether the victim was 'beautiful', smart, talented, or perhaps in a more mundane and worldly manner one who was working for a low wage in a predatory workplace, these women were vulnerable. Perhaps it may be seen as a stretch to say beauty is vulnerable, but I think we know beauty also has its hazards, and the predator (whether Bill O'Reilly or Al Franken) knows the tenuous ground that a 'good looking' woman treads. And whether she is hoping for a movie part or just a paycheck to feed her child, the perpetrator is willing to use that vulnerability to feed his own ego, then prey upon the vulnerable victim. And, I wonder why it is that when a woman says to a man 'Can't you be a little more vulnerable, a little less defensive?' in other circumstances, that he links this with a distinct fear because he knows it places him at a disadvantage, possibly feeling that he will be taken advantage of, whether it is in a relationship, or in a work environment. If he is a potential predator, he is aware, in no uncertain terms, what being 'prey' can really mean, and he fears it...

...Another thought: Although history cannot be neatly boxed into certain years when discussing cultural and societal shifts, many date modern feminism to about 1970, with Betty Friedan and others writing on the modern woman and new ways of seeing women in the workplace, the home, the family and society. But birthing a movement is not recognition and instant change, like war and other cataclysmic and definably dated events. In reference to the 'end' of the Battle of Britain, Churchill said it was not the end, but the end of the beginning. I think the opening of Pandora's box of the workplace terror that millions of women (we are really only seeing the tip of the iceberg, you know) are experiencing may be legitimately viewed as the 'end of the beginning' of the movement. To put it another way, the fingering of the perps in this horrendous scandal is the maturation of the woman's movement, shedding the silence and fear that still pervades women's lives. From Ms. magazine to Dolly Parton's 'Nine to Five' movie, to these current revelations, women are now entering a new phase in their efforts to be treated fairly, equally, humanely, and if you look merely at the media, it's only taken over fifty years, and still, it's only the beginning. But a giant step has been taken these past few weeks...

...When the naysayers (and there are so so many of them) say 'Why did it take her so long to report this?', we can and should recognize that that question has been asked in the emergency room, in the court, the police precincts, in the kitchens, in the media, and is IRRELEVANT. Whatever time it took, it took, 'time takes time', and is a direct revelation of the prevailing fear that she has been made to feel concerning the 'incident'. It really is an indicator of the societal ignorance and accusatory nature of the world women live in that people would still ask that ignorant and insensitive question. Her legitimate answer can and should be: 'Because I was afraid, because I was made to feel shame.' An hour, a day, a month, a year, a decade... there is no difference in the time she finally decided to tell someone... the pain never left her, and could never die until she finally trusted...

...And with that fear under the surface, I am convinced in talking to many other women these last few weeks that millions, perhaps tens of millions of women, still cannot say, publicly or privately, 'Me, too', no matter what the incident was that she felt violated, scared, hurt or worse. With tears in their eyes, and averting what they fear would be an unbelieving look... or a detriment to her career, or her current relationship...

...Political solutions, if possible, will just not do, for they will really not be solutions at all. This is a disease of the heart in our society. Everything I hear seems to be a confused anger or calls for 'more education', or, 'due process'. You know what? I can only think of one human thing we can all do. What you (me, we) have to do is accept the following statement: Everyone has at least one person they love, and who loves them. We hope, right? So, here goes. Go to that one person (spouse, significant other, good friend, brother, sister, you get the idea) and sit down together. Look him or her in the eye and quietly, sincerely ask: 'How are these stories affecting you?' In exactly those words. Not 'What do you think?' or 'What about...', but, simply and precisely, 'How are these stories affecting you?'. And, quietly await the results, which may not come easily or quickly. I think you will be confronted, and possibly astonished by a look of deep hurt, maybe a look as if he or she was looking into the deep past, a welling of tears, and, hopefully, a burst of honest feelings about the hurt, the pain, the secret that can only be described as 'me, too'. And you will listen... won't you...

...This would, one person, one heart at a time, begin the healing that will move us closer to an understanding, and closer to real vulnerability. It would be an overdue expression of compassion. Truth. Honesty about ourselves and the way the world has to, and must, change if we are to heal... Be vulnerable.

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