Archive: Opinions

I was hoping that little 'tempest in a teapot' about our Chest-Thumper-in-Chief wanting to buy Greenland would last a little longer than a day or two, but even as 'yesterday's news' I can still use it as an historical reference point, for your consideration.

You may be surprised to learn that 'buying Greenland' is not a new, nor necessarily wacky idea. Turns out that Jimmy Byrnes, a close confidante (along with Harry Hopkins) and Secretary of State to President Franklin Roosevelt and Harry Truman, also thought it might be a good idea. Byrnes, who in no way could be considered a whack-job, offered, at Harry Truman's authorization, $100 million to buy Greenland from Denmark in 1946. This story comes from a Danish historian by the name of Tage Kaarsted, that he obtained from recently declassified government (Danish) documents. The offer was brushed aside then, as now. The strategic importance of Greenland was noted, then, as an early warning outpost in the coming Cold War, and especially today as a strategic point in exploration of the Arctic Ocean and the thawing of the Northwest Passage.

It also turns out that Warren Buffet, the 'Sage of Omaha', had some early thoughts on Greenland during his earliest forays into investment advice. Wall Street watchers know that Buffet's advice these days will cost a pretty penny if you subscribe to his newsletter. At the tender age of 17, Buffet pointed out that Queen Isabella gave Columbus the equivalent of $30,000 to 'find' the New World. Buffet wrote that if she had put that 30 grand into a 4% interest bond in 1492 she would have had $2 trillion in the year 1963, when he wrote that little story. It would now be worth $18 trillion today.

And, the Wall Street Journal quipped that if that $100 million that Truman offered for Greenland in 1946 was invested in the Standard and Poor 500 index it would have compounded with reinvested dividends to $163 billion today.

When asked what was the best invention of mankind, Einstein was reported to have replied: "Compound interest". No word on whether he had any thoughts on Greenland, which many still think of as an icebox, but will definitely become more valuable as the thaw continues.

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I feel like keeping it short and sweet this week, and in that mode money again popped my consciousness, thinking about those numbing numbers cited above. Ready for this one? Modern science has found a use for those beloved ashes of Uncle Henry (or your own someday?) instead of just sitting quietly on your mantel. Using high-tech methods, engineers can now transform the carbon (that's about all you are, by the way, when we eliminate the H20 ) into a diamond that's physically and chemically identical to a 'real' one.

Yep, just a pound of those ashes can now be 'bling' on your pinkie. The Swiss company Algordanza will extract the pure carbon elements from that pound of ashes you ship them and remove the impurities. They convert the carbon to graphite, then they bake the resulting mass at 2400 degrees Fahrenheit. With their high-tech contraption, they exert pressure up to 870,000 pounds per square inch and in a matter of a few short months (opposed to eons), voila, a real diamond. It can be cut just like the real McCoy and polished according to your specs. Assuming its not your ashes, of course. The cost? I'm glad you asked. The price list starts at about $3000 and goes up to (ready?) the largest they have processed, a 1.76 carat for $38,000. You know, if you think about it, that's not really that expensive considering the cost of dying these days, and the extent of insurance policies which are being written. Beats dusting that urn every month, doesn't it??? Of course, having that stone set and mounted is extra, but it's a part of the chill, I mean thrill, but would you actually tell anyone that the glitter on your finger is actually Aunt Matilda's ashes?

In case that a little rich for your taste (or pocketbook, depending on what the estate left you) you might consider these options for ashes. And I'm not making these up, I promise:

1) A British company will press your dearly departed's ashes into a custom-made vinyl record. Turntable (if you can find one) is extra. Sympathy for the Devil, perhaps? Or you could come up with any number of tunes/labels for the record, but I'll bet you'll groan at the name of the company:' And Vinyly'. Would I dare make that up?

2) There's a Florida company that incorporates ashes into artificial reefs and marine habitat. I assume there are no implied warranties concerning impermeability with climate change.

3) A Houston based business has partnered with commercial space flight companies (is this a Musk operation?) to shoot Uncle Bob's ashes (he was such a Trekkie) into orbit, the moon, or deep space. If you must ask the price of this one, you probably can't afford it.

All of this was meant to be a light-hearted diversion from my obsession with the rollicking fun, the vertigo, of the recent stock market's gyrations and death grip on my retirement funds.

Maybe I also am looking for something to laugh about, and succeeded when I ran across a quote from the late, great George Burns, who supposedly said: "Too bad all the people who know how to really run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair." That could be taken in several ways, depending upon the state of your humor, which is what this country really needs, right now. Maybe Ukraine had the right idea in electing a comedian to run things for awhile. It couldn't hurt, right?