Archive: Opinions

EditorialI don't get why they say that men who only gain weight around the belly are at higher risk of a heart attack.  The belly isn't that close to the heart, and besides, the things that put that tire there in the first place may get bad press, but they are really very healthy.  For instance, Doritos are made from corn.  That is a grain.  Cooking with oils is very good for you -- corn oil is made from -- well, corn.  Peanut oil is made from natural nuts.  So fries are particularly good, because they are made from oil and potatoes, an especially healthy Irish -- or is it Idaho?  Well, it starts with an 'i', that's the important thing.  Like iPod -- vegetable.  Of course fish is good for the heart, so fried fish is a winner health-wise.  Cheetos have both corn and cheese.  Nothing could be better for you than that.

But despite an almost religious dedication to these healthy foods I decided to go back to -- pardon the expression -- exercising.  Even though I hate exercising.  I really, really hate exercising.  I call it 'exorcising.'

The first day I got some good exorcise lifting the boxes off of the exorcise machine in the basement, and then, out of breath, took a soda break.  Don't worry -- it was diet soda.  Just lifting six or seven cans a day really drops those pounds off!

But the next day I had to actually get onto the machine and use it.  I can force myself to do 30 minute sessions, so that is what I have decided is healthy for me.  More than that and my body shuts down, my brain screams, and even the machine begs me to stop.

I can't think of anything more unpleasant than exorcise.  First of all I am bored to tears.  Second, I become short of breath.  And third, liquid pours out of my skin in copious amounts.  I don't know what it could be, because that never happens when I am sitting still watching American Idol!

I can't do anything about 2 and 3, but there are things you can do to pass the time.  TV stinks for exorcising, because there are too many commercials and my clicker-finger gets more of a workout than my body.  The little segments in between the commercials aren't long enough to engage my attention.  So that's not helpful.

Reading a book is much better, but most of the books I've been reading lately have very short chapters, at the end of which I always look at the readout only to find I'm not close to done.  :-(

But NPR's Car Talk is now available as a weekly podcast.  A podcast is syndicated content made available over the Internet to your computer, cell phone, or whatever.  So every Sunday I can put a new episode of Tom and Ray Magliozzi, AKA 'Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers', onto my MP3 player.

And for exorcise, Car Talk really works!  Those guys are funny, play upbeat music, get innocent callers to make funny noises, and keep the pace moving as if they were driving a sports car with jokes.  I love Car Talk, even though I know about as much about cars as I do about exorcise.

But Car Talk lasts about 54 minutes.  After 30 minutes on the dreaded machine, what do I do with the other 20 minutes?  And since there is a new Car Talk only once a week, it's really only good for a day and a fraction of exorcise.  What do I do the rest of the week?

If God had intended me to exorcise He wouldn't have made so many impediments. 

And while I am pretty good about getting on that torture device four or five times a week, it could be a lot easier if Tom and Ray would do everybody a favor and broadcast a 30 minute show daily instead of one 54 minute weekly show.  Seriously, they would be doing us a favor, contributing to the nation's health and well being, not only making exorcise tolerable but also teaching us about these contraptions we drive around so we can keep them running smoothly so we can avoid walking as much as possible.  And hey!  Cars have more tires than my belly does!

Oh well, gotta go ex...  exer... exor... Gotta go listen to Car Talk now.

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