Archive: Opinions

Conspiracy theories abound.  If you have some extra time on your hands, why not Google the term and see what comes up.  Or should I say what the government permits to come up.  After all, Big Brother is not only watching us, he is also monitoring our every computer keystroke and internet site we visit. 

In today’s parlance, the term conspiracy theory is a claim by any group which tries to explain a historical or current event as the result of a secret plot by conspirators.  Conspiracy theories are usually driven by some emotion such as anger, hatred, suspicion or jealousy.  Some of the most popular conspiracy theories surround untimely deaths, assassinations, unexplained phenomena, political figures, financial crises, natural disasters, wars, and even the weather.

These theories are viewed with skepticism by the scientific community, academia, and the general public because they are rarely supported by any convincing evidence and run contrary to the accepted findings of society.  In many cases, controversial stories or events are reshaped and retold by single person or a particular group into a multilayered theory.  Each layer of the theory is built upon a delicate balance of innuendo, hearsay, and fantasy.
 
Some of these theories are harmless and amusing. For example, some claim that the United States Government maintains a secret underground holding pen for aliens and other extra-terrestrials in Roswell, New Mexico.  Back in 1947, the United States Military issued a statement that they had recovered debris from an experimental high-altitude surveillance balloon.  After a few months, the incident was forgotten. 

Then, in the late 1970’s, one of the scientists who worked at Roswell in 1947 came forward with an eyewitness account of what actually happened.  His claim that the United States Government had recovered a flying saucer and space aliens reignited the theory.  Now Roswell is a tourist site for UFO enthusiasts, conferences on extra-terrestrial life, and fodder for movies like Men in Black. 

Other conspiracy theories are downright nasty and even dangerous.  Some groups have devised a theory that President Obama is not a U.S citizen.  According to their so-called investigation, they possess irrefutable evidence that President Obama is actually a citizen of Kenya.  The group has demanded an investigation into this matter.  Other groups have evidence that President Obama is a communist, socialist, elitist, progressive, crypto-Christian, deist, vegetarian, humanitarian and a Donatist.  

Having studied the investigative methods these conspiracy groups employ, I decided to test a long held conspiracy theory.  I have discovered that former Vice-President Dick Cheney is really a space alien, sent by his superiors from the planet closest to the brightest star in the constellation Orion.  His mission is to destroy the world by replacing every human being on the planet with an alien clone.  Here goes my theory. 

It is any coincidence that he ascended to power during the Nixon Administration.  While the United States was celebrating the Apollo landing on the moon, he hopped a ride back to earth disguised as space dust on Neil Armstrong’s boot.  Once on earth, he morphed into an advisor to Nixon.  Following Nixon’s resignation, a plot secretly arranged between the home planet and Gerald Ford, Cheney became the Secretary of Defense.  Did you know that Gerald Ford was adopted?  Was this adoption a mere coincidence or part of a real threat to our way of life?

But I digress. Cheney then used his alien mind altering power to plant the seeds of the Star Wars Defense Program into the hearts and minds of God loving, patriotic Americans.  He intended to use the vast network space stations as a vehicle for the Evil Empire to launch its attack against the United States.   Thanks to the courage of Bill Clinton and the Democrats, this plan was discovered and stopped in the nick of time. 

My colleagues and I have uncovered additional evidence to prove beyond a doubt that Dick Cheney is an alien.  His facial expression never changes.  He always has that unusual grin that is neither a frown of displeasure nor a sign of joy.  Why?  The answer is simple. Aliens do not possess emotions.  They are incapable of feeling.   If that does not convince you, then here is another fact.    Every time an attack occurs on US soil, Dick Cheney is sent to some undisclosed location.  Again, my colleagues and I ask the question, why? 

My fellow Americans, conspiracy theories are myths.  These theories originate in the minds of individuals who have too much leisure time on their hands.   They benefit no one except Hollywood and the movie industry.  On the other hand, how can any man in his late 60’s survive so many heart attacks as has Dick Cheney?  Happy April Fool’s Day.  And that is to the point. 

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