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Lansing's Advice Column

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Dear IMO,
My husband and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary next week. We've had a pretty good marriage so far, but over the last two or three years our ability to communication with each other has become problematic. We don't shout or have tantrums, but there are problems in our relationship. I talk to him. He listens, but I don't think he really hears what I am saying. We went to counseling many years ago, and it helped out tremendously. I'd like to go again, but I'm afraid he won't agree? How do I approach this subject with him? What if he says "no?"

Sandy

Dear Sandy,

Marriage is the most dynamic relationship that exists. Neither of you are the same person you were 20 years ago when you stood at the altar, looked into each other's eyes, and said "I do." In a marriage change occurs slowly, usually without notice. But change happens. One day you have children, you see them off for their first day at school, and then they're off to college or out on their own. You look at each other and ask, "What happened?"

Each day changes occur at three levels: personal, familial, and societal. These changes affect people differently. Some can easily accept the change and adapt accordingly. Others struggle for days, weeks, or even years wrestling with any change until it consumes them.

One way to deal with change is by communicating your thoughts and feelings each day with your spouse and/or family. Talking things over with others who care is of tremendous benefit. It is something that all married couples ought to do since it can eliminate much worry and concern.

When communication breaks down, it needs to be repaired. Marriage counseling is a wonderful idea. It will allow both of you to express yourselves in a relatively neutral environment. You might want to contact the same counselor who assisted you years ago. If that is not an option, then you need to find a new, qualified, and licensed marriage counselor. People need regular checkups. Cars require tune-ups. Marriages are no exception-they need an occasional adjustment as well. Good luck and happy anniversary.

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