Archive: Arts & Entertainment

SMART TALK

by Dr. Will S. Sert  

NONE WAS HURT: At the Institute for the Linguistically Impaired, I often join colleagues on Friday evening to unwind in the Fowler Lounge.  If the news is on, though, we often get wound a bit tighter.

"The building collapsed with 30 people inside, but miraculously, none were hurt," intones the talking head.

"In a local election, eight candidates ran for three school board seats, but due to lack of interest, none were chosen."

By this time, Dr. "Windy" Prolix is throwing lime wedges at the TV.  "None was hurt, you bonehead!" he shouts.  "None was chosen!  Aren't reporters supposed to have language skills?"

Dr. Amelia Raitt Payne, staff physician, looks up from her sarsaparilla and says, "Maybe these news people need better math skills.  After all, we use singular verbs with zero and one and plural verbs with two or more."

"Why not just use common sense?" asks Dr. Saber S. Poder.  "These chuckleheads manage to say ‘no one was hurt,' and ‘no one was chosen' correctly, with the singular verb.  Why not just ask them to be consistent?  None was hurt; none was chosen; it just makes sense."

"Ha," I said.  "If people made sense and used consistent language, we wouldn't have jobs."

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