Archive: Arts & Entertainment

SMART TALK: Take Into Consideration

: By Jim Evans; Entertainment; | Oct 12, 2006 |

Smart Talk SMART TALK
By Dr. Verbos Metikulos

TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION: Not far from Underbelly, Texas, the home of the Institute for the Linguistically Impaired, lies Overback; and beyond that, Consideration. The motto on its welcoming sign reads, “Have a little Consideration.”

But this town’s claim to fame is its Consideration Baskets. Any time someone around this part of Texas says, “I’ll take it into Consideration,” the speaker carries a short note about the discussion to St. Bernard the Considerate Catholic Church, and places it in one of the baskets along the inside back wall. A contribution in the slot of the nearby floor safe is customary.

On the last day of every month, the priest saying morning Mass burns the notes on the altar while praying for propitious outcomes. This method of avoiding protracted arguments gives time for both parties to, well, consider, and Lengua Loco County has the lowest rate of gunshot wounds in the state.

The monetary considerations dropped into the safe have not only paid for a special altar with a huge hood and exhaust fan but also financed aid teams to go to scenes of natural disasters throughout the South.

Meanwhile, back at the Institute, I teach patients to say I’ll consider it, or think about it, or ponder it, or even mull it over.

But some folks don’t like me to suggest that they mull it. They think I’m making fun of their haircut.

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Comic: Lansing Cafe

: By Ben Veaner; Entertainment; | Oct 12, 2006 |

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SMART TALK: So Don't I

: By Jim Evans; Entertainment; | Oct 5, 2006 |

Smart Talk SMART TALK
By Dr. Molto Breve

SO DON’T I: The Institute for the Linguistically Impaired tried to track the origin of this curious contradiction. One researcher believes it started around 1960 among poorly educated whites in Norwood, New York (in the St. Lawrence River valley). From there, it spread like an urban myth.

This symptom of cerebroporosis has probably infected the entire Northeast. Speakers of so don’t I mean so do I, and they have no idea they’re not making sense. We treat them with mild shock.

But before treatment, we like to have our fun by baiting these patients with a statement such as, “I love ice cream.” They reply, “Oh, so don’t I!” We enjoy their confusion when we look mournful and say, “Oh, you don’t? Why not?”

So don’t I isn’t the only example of a local expression having the opposite meaning. In parts of Appalachia, I don’t care to means I wouldn’t mind. If these folks aspire to careers outside the home “holler,” or hollow, we administer mild shock treatment to them, too.

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Comic: Lansing Cafe

: By Ben Veaner; Entertainment; | Oct 5, 2006 |

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Encore

Comic: Lansing Cafe

: By Ben Veaner; Entertainment; | Sep 28, 2006 |

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Encore

SMART TALK: Springtime

: By Jim Evans; Entertainment; | Sep 28, 2006 |

Smart Talk SMART TALK
By Constance Chatterly, R.N.

SPRINGTIME: At the Institute for the Linguistically Impaired, we must prescribe the week-long Seasonal Treatment for 93% of our patients. Of course, 100% of Temporal Retentives require it. Seasonal Disorder is just one of the suite of symptoms they present, such as the month of May and 3:00 A.M. in the morning.

Many Seasonal Disorder patients have been composing bad romantic poetry since they were in seventh grade, their sweet heads full of unicorns, rainbows, and Hello Kitty. They commonly capitalize the names of the seasons when they write and often seem compelled to reiterate the obvious by saying springtime, summertime, and wintertime instead of spring, summer, and winter.

It’s a wonder they don’t say falltime or autumntime. Why they don’t is the subject of a monograph by Dr. Viva Palaver, our staff psychologist, to appear soon in the journal English as a First Language.

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'From Inner Worlds' at the Kitchen

: By Kitchen Theatre; Entertainment; | Sep 28, 2006 |

ITHACA, NY: The Kitchen Theatre Company’s alternative series, KITCHEN COUNTER CULTURE will be featuring Los Angeles-based Asian American performance artist Dan Kwong for a limited engagement. Kwong will perform his piece From Inner Worlds to Outer Space. It will run for only three performances: Friday, October 6 at 8pm, Saturday, October 7 at 8pm and Sunday, October 8 at 4pm. All performances will be followed by a talk back with the artist.

Performance artist, writer, and visual artist Dan Kwong’s work springs from his life experiences to explore the personal, the historical, the social and the unspeakable. With keen insight and a generous sense of humor, he intertwines storytelling, multimedia, dynamic physical movement, poetry, martial arts and music. From Inner Worlds… is a multimedia program. It is a compilation of his most powerful pieces and arresting imagery.

Comic: Lansing Cafe

: By Ben Veaner; Entertainment; | Sep 21, 2006 |

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Encore

SMART TALK: Systems

: By Jim Evans; Entertainment; | Sep 21, 2006 |

Smart Talk SMART TALK
By Garrel S. Utter, R.N.

SYSTEMS: The Institute for the Linguistically Impaired hired Clara Dix and me as nurses in the William Safire Center. Our specialty is Fad Word Syndrome.

System may be one of our longest-running fad words. For instance, a pen isn’t a pen any more. It’s a writing system. A razor is a shaving system. The military has weapons systems, but for them, being clear is more threatening than a budget cut.

Nurse Saber S. Poder stopped in downtown Underbelly and bought a pair of deer whistles for her car in Johnson’s Five & Dime. She brought them to work to show us the package. It seems that lowly deer whistles have earned the lofty label, Animal Saver System.

“At this rate,” fumed Poder, “eyeglasses will be sold as vision systems, and bookmarks as reference point retention systems. How retentive can they get?”

Just you wait, we replied. Our jobs are all too secure.

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'The Mozart Mystery' at the Kitchen

: By Kitchen Theatre; Entertainment; | Sep 21, 2006 |

ITHACA, NY: The Kitchen Theatre Company’s FAMILY FARE series will open on September 23 with the premiere of The Mozart Mystery. The new musical’s book and lyrics are by Rachel Lampert set to the music of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. The Mozart Mystery opens on September 23 and closes on October 8 with performances on Saturdays at 1:00 and 3:00pm and Sundays at 1:00 pm. This is the first of three world premiere musicals in this season’s Family Fare series.

The Mozart Mystery tells the story of three American girls - Anna (Erin Rieger), Susanna (Erin Hilgartner) and Bettina (Sophie Potter) - on a trip to Salzburg, Austria with their Mozart-obsessed Uncle Wolfie (Rik Daniels). What better year to visit than on the 250th Anniversary of Mozart’s birth! Uncle Wolfie’s tour of Salzberg includes everything Mozart, and he knows his way around. But when they end up in a place even he has never been, he remembers a strange tale their great-grandmother told him many years before.

SMART TALK: Speak To

: By Jim Evans; Entertainment; | Sep 14, 2006 |

Smart Talk SMART TALK
By Laconia Crisp, N.P.

SPEAK TO THIS QUESTION: We can hear sufferers of William F. Buckley Syndrome say this at almost any meeting. They will also speak to this issue. They probably never wondered whether the question or the issue were listening.

Those who speak to a question often write or aspire to write for scholarly quarterlies, which contain tortured prose often meant to impress other poor writers and make them believe that the writer is privy to arcane knowledge.

What they mean, of course, is something like discuss this question or talk about this.

These same people often write memos to the Institute for the Linguistically Impaired headed, From the desk of… We always reply, “Dear desk.”

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Comic: Lansing Cafe

: By Ben Veaner; Entertainment; | Sep 14, 2006 |

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I Reject These Labels at the Kitchen

: By Kitchen Theatre; Entertainment; | Sep 14, 2006 |

Kitchen Counter Culture season to open with I Reject These Labels

ITHACA, NY: On September 29, 2006, the Kitchen Theatre Company’s ground breaking series, KITCHEN COUNTER CULTURE begins with I Reject These Labels. Written and performed by L.A.-based artist LeVan D. Hawkins, I Reject These Labels is a multimedia solo performance piece. It will run for only three performances: September 29 and 30 at 8pm and October 1 at 4pm.

The Los Angeles-based poet, performer and playwright LeVan D.Hawkins appeared at the Kitchen last season with Alexander Thomas performing the provocative and powerful Black Stuff. The two of them raised the roof and played to sold-out houses. Returning with season with his solo performance piece I Reject These Labels, Levan D. Hawkins brings his razor sharp words and dead-on observations to the Kitchen Theatre’s perfect intimate space for events like this. The LA Weekly called this piece “a stunning collage of performance, music, spoken word, and poetry…(that) explodes with the kind of soaring enlightenment that comes from painstakingly peeling away at the multilayered onion of truth.” I Reject These Labels is the first show in the Kitchen Counter Culture season, which this year features five artists of color.